Coffee Break

Okay, okay, all who know me know I don't like OR drink coffee. But this is Round 2 of the cafes Saturday night for me. This super cool guy I work with works at cafe Mestizo (spelled wrong?) It's sweet! In a way probably only I understand, it's a mix between a New Orleans and European/French/Italian feel. It's sweet! And so amazing... there was this wine tasting going on in the side room whilst I was there, very urban, though I refused, politely or less, to participate...it was still cool.

That was earlier. Then I went home, thinking I'd chill with my new loot from Barnes and Noble (ooh, I got some goods! Including Steinbach's second book! - Tammy, I'll let you know if it's as good as the first :) but I got this itchiness instead, maybe it was that mocha chocolate something I sampled and hated at Mestizo (it was well made, just not my thing...)

Anyway, I got this sudden spring to my inner self and took off on my retro dinosaur (since my other bike is at the library still) and raced over to Baxters (the new location on weekends for Joes - some of my old friends are here) to try out my new poems... yeah, I wrote some new poems, though they're graphic and vile and dark and weird. But I'm reading them tonight for thrills and kicks. It's fun to see some old faces, and new... cool.

mmm and sweet music even... a couple guys are playing, guitar and harmonica... I really dig cafes! Venom, you'd Love this! Next time you're down we'll come here, seriously!

Other cool things I've done the past few days... Thursday I went Night Climbing for the very first time!! Climbing in the complete dark with only a head light for vision! Such a Trip!! Crazy! And some of my best climbing too! It was nuts! I'd reach for a hold and there'd be a giant ant right by my fingers, or a couple of worms circling each other. No kidding. A thousand fears to conquer all at once! I journaled for pages about it tonight at Mestizos.

How about the creepy looking erosion-protecting mesh which looks eroded itself, suggesting rotting corpses lie beneath, with eerie white partial hand prints practically glowing on the wall, and thoughts of zombies creeping along the edges of the darkness...nevermind the usual fear of height, falling, dark...yes, I'm still terrified of the dark. And nevermind the person at the top who I can't see anymore who's not answering my calls, and the dark closing in and the ...are there zombies? Is the mesh going to rise up, revealing bodies like those at the Bodyworld exhibit by library square...I think I'm glad I hadn't checked that out yet...

Though it is close enough to Halloween...

Night Climbing. A truly trippy experience.

But then, aside from all the fears and paranoia there's the thrill of making it to the top without falling, of sitting on the ledge looking over at the cliffs across the way, watching the glowing clouds above those cliffs, seeing Casiopia and Orion in a whole new way, up close almost.

And the thrill of climbing, the fear, does it compare with the similar feelings I get when I read my stuff in public? Why do I do this, come to these places, read my cruddy, amateur stuff... it's not all bad, I just perform as well as I climb, which, for the few that have ever seen me climb understand the comparison. I am not a performer of writing...a poet worthy of 'slam'... I just write prose and articles.

But maybe for once it's okay for me not to be perfect at something, to be okay with not being good at performing and just be happy with my own small personal thrills I get from it.

I'll save my need for perfection for climbing...like writing, that I want, have to, must be good at...
maybe, someday...

And it's always worth listening to everyone else read. Why not participate, but appreciate others more, worry less about own flaws, enjoy the positive energy.

This week, be sure, enjoy the positive energy.

weekend Burnout, more like...

It hit me today just how much I wasn't home this weekend. You know that phrase? Something like 'work hard, play hard', or how about 'work hard, play harder'... maybe it's a philosophy which varies depending on personality! Ooh! So which one do you do? Work hard, play harder, or play hard, work harder? now the word hard looks funny...you know, like when you overuse a word and it seems to turn all rubbery...

Anyway... the point is, I'm exhausted. Last weekend I had a good reason to not be home at all (the writing conference) this weekend? More by choice... a little. I hung out with my friend from out of town the first day and a half of the weekend, worked, and was out around town the second day and a half. Sunday, among other things, I climbed the wall again. Strenuous, intense, fun and frustrating all at the same time...

I'm determined to climb better...I'm not very good still. The place I climb at is only open on weekends...that's no good. I'm going to find somewhere else for the week...mix things up a bit. I hear there's a climbing gym right by my house! How's that for serendipitous... or whatever ya wanna call it...

I'm at work right now... I've been trying not to fall asleep all day, in class, at work... seeing as how I haven't slept in since I don't remember when and 2am is my usual bedtime... I might just go to bed early tonight! What would that be like? Before 10:30? Wow... we'll see... if I start working on my novel when I get home I know I'll go right to sleep... not. a. good. sign.

My goal? To get up at 7 instead of 8...or maybe make 6:30 - 7:30 my time to write in the mornings. This writing whenever thing is getting me nowhere - ya think! :) I know, I know... all the 'real' writers set aside blocks of time, even if it's only used by staring at the wall behind them, picturing the story play out...

Speaking of stories... My mom is actually reading a book I recommended to her. She's so picky and usually doesn't like anything I like, so it's a little surprising to me. It's that one I told Tammy about, Without Reservations. Mom's already started it and says she Loves it! She'll probably have it done by tomorrow seeing as how she's at my place right now watching the kids (who should be sleeping, so reading's perfect) whilst I'm at work.

... half an hour, just half an hour more...

Weekend Stardust

I have been so stuck in my head this week. Do you ever feel like that sometimes? Sad, depressed, lonely, grumpy, only you just can't shake it off this time...it just sticks, and no, this time around, it has nothing to do with that girl thing... That's how this week was for me, until I realized just how self-absorbed I was being. I was treating everyone and everything in my life with ungratefulness. I was being just plain Bratty.

Well, I'm over it, I'm over myself and I'm sure at some point in my life I'm going to feel that way again. But hopefully next time I'll have learned from this week and shake it off sooner than I did this time. Those who know me, I think, know I don't stay down for too long or too often...at least I think I'm a cheery person most of the time. But when I do get upset, it's So noticeable. Everyone, even people who don't know me, can tell that my energy's low - I think most people can tell when other people are upset, just sometimes nobody says anything about it - Maybe the noticeable part is just more of me being stuck on myself...

Anyway, enough of all that. The point is, I'm happy and excited again and just in time for this weekend! I have a friend staying over for a visit and at least a few times I'm going to go climb that wall and maybe even get to climb outside...just once? : ) I hope! I'm also in the process of outlining my novel, given all that awesome information at the conference last weekend. I have some rearranging to do and some new writing to bust out, that's for sure! I gotta get this friggin' book done!

OOOOH and Guess What!!! NaNoWriMo is coming up!! Are you ready??? For those of you who Don't know, NaNoWriMo is just about the most exciting thing for writers everywhere! - and non-writers, too, I guess... National November Writing Month... November is national writing month and to celebrate, this Brilliant person put together a website which hundreds of thousands of people visit in the month of November to report their progress.

The Goal: 50,000 words in 30 days!! Sounds hefty, huh? So far I've never been able to do it, but I always get farther on my novel than ever before. The trick, I think, is preparing this time. A novel in a month...oooh! And not quite yet, but soon, it'll be time to stock up on writing movies - Alex and Emma, Music and Lyrics is okay, Stranger than Fiction, One Fine Day, Runaway Bride.... aside from all of these being chic flicks, at least one of the characters in all of them is a writer. Some, like Alex and Emma, are even about writing. I love it! But really, that's not the kinda prep I was originally thinking of. We'll get to more of that later. (Maybe my outline will actually really be useful...)

In the meantime, I'm blowing off math class again. (I'm multitasking, more like - this and notes, it's lots more entertaining :)

A Good Time To...

The weekend is over, the conference is over, and life is smoothing back into routine. How is it possible to have such a set routine and have it still feel so ridiculously chaotic? I need to rethink and reorganize and just breathe. Is there really time for breathing? I guess it depends on the definition, maybe, right?

I had a friend call me yesterday. I love those types of phone calls, really. I was at work and a friend from a business called me and said she'd just met with someone from a magazine (and I'm going to remain real unspecific here) who said they've got some openings for freelance writers. She recommended me! She took the person's info and told them I'd probably be calling! How cool is that! What's more, she gave me all the info and I actually called them. They requested a couple of my writing samples which I emailed over right away before I could talk myself out of it and they said it might be a couple weeks, but that they'll probably get back to me! WoW! Even if they don't get back to me, I'm really okay with that. It's the possibility of the opportunity that I often become more amazed with ...maybe that's messed up...

It'd be a simple part time freelance thing, already stuff that I do, what's one more except the possibility of more money : ) Though I don't know yet if this is even a paying gig. Time will tell.

I'm in math class. We're learning negative numbers (rather appropriate for my mood lately, if I think about it.) He's talking in terms of negative bank accounts and losing in Las Vegas...or Wendover... It's good review anyway.

I finished that book finally, Without Reservations. The title has so many meanings in so many ways! And what a fabulous book! A lot of good imagery mixed with a lot of thoughtful substance. Without Reservations: for one thing, she decided to go to Europe 'without reservations' - second thoughts, holding back, etc. And she didn't really make a whole lot of hotel reservations along the way, like, she kind of did, but she left herself wide open for spontaneity. Good book. And she won a flippin' Pulitzer in feature journalism (someday...maybe someday...) : ) If you have no idea what I'm talking about, just read the book... Tammy, you might really enjoy it.

Alright, well, I'm falling behind in my math notes now. If two wrongs don't make a right, how do two negatives make a positive...? He says they do...

Writer's Conference Overload

I am in my ultimate-most element today! I'm at a writer's conference! Vacation! I am away from the city and happy and with fellow writers! I'm making friends, listening to people talk about improving the craft, listening to people talk about their creations, listening to people like me who can't get enough of talking about Writing! I love it! Love it! Love it!

And, by the way, the title of this blog is an Oxymoron! If you know what I mean.

It's really funny. I've realized a pattern in myself when it comes to these conferences. It's a little revealing, I suppose, but... I intend to go to these events months in advance, I know which conferences are coming up when and I get excited about it and know I'll be going. Then about a month before the event I start tossing around the idea of "what if I Didn't go?" Which quickly turns into: I Really Don't Want to Go! Two weeks before the event I decide I don't want to go, only by then I've committed to it and registered and have no way out (that's a good thing) and then there's really this high anxiety of there's going to be too many people in too small a place and oh my gosh, People!, and I'll be away from home and it'll be long and I'll be stuck in places I can't get out of and I Just Can't Do It!

Now I'm getting better with all of this. At one point that anxiety lasted through the event and it was so high I just had to leave and I couldn't handle the pressure...of what? Being around people? And I'm a social person - So social - so what's the problem? I haven't actually identified the why behind my behavior, but...

With this event the anxiety lasted up until four days ago. Four days ago I was still telling myself, It's not too late to not go, I'll just not go, it's not That big a deal...I'll stay home and it'll be great and I can go climbing and ride my bike and .... yeah. Then I started thinking about the actual people I Know who would be at the event, my friends who I really only get to see at things like this, like Eric and Dashner and maybe Julie (who I'm really sad to not have here) Anyway, all of a sudden I couldn't wait for the conference to start. Yippee, another conference!

So, to make a ridiculously longer thing a little big shorter, I make myself sign up for a conference, I forget about it, wait for it to come up, wait and wait and try to forget about it, then I dread it, am sure I won't go and I'll just miss it and be fine and then I get excited about it, either days before or not until I'm actually there and then I just start letting myself breathe and relax and have fun and enjoy the people So Much, and then it's over! and I come back down to real life, go home, and for the next two weeks in my head I'm always still there, reliving the event, counting down until the next one when I can do the whole mental thing all over again...

I think I'm working up to just being comfortable being at the event. Why not skip all the BS uncomfortable thoughts beforehand? Why would they even exist in the first place? Maybe from here on they won't. I've recognized them, acknowledged them and now I'll dismiss them and maybe just trust myself, knowing that I'll have fun and it won't be scary and I'll be fine and it's the greatest awesomest thing that I love to do the most and it's always worth going to.

I can trust that I'll always meet new awesome people at these events. I already have at this one, cherished friends who I'm so excited to be around right at this moment and will want to be around a lot in days to come, people like Jaclyn and Stephanie and who are aspiring writers, teenagers brave enough to show up to something like this when they could be anywhere else. They've got Such a headstart and I hope they know it! And an amazing author and speaker, Wendy Toliver, who I know I'll love to get to know better. I picked up her book at the bookstore here today and she's already signed it for me and I know I'll have a chance to talk to her more later today and it'll be awesome.

So frilly hats off to conferences and today and writing. Especially to writing. And to friends who encourage me in being what I am - A Writer!

Chocolate Stripes and Kisses

I have six minutes before I have to take my test. I'm feeling shockingly confident. I could have taken it yesterday, even with missing class Tuesday (Yes, Professor, I had a brilliant excuse) Breakfast today is a Mr. Goodbar. Yum. It's more the tecture I like than the taste...

Do you ever have those dreams where you wake up knowing that they were something so bizarre, but you wake up so suddenly, or maybe gradually, that for the life of you you just can't remember what you dreamed? But oh, how you want to remember...
I guess that's what I get for going to bed at 4:30. (No, no brilliant excuse for that one)

Maybe I'll have to be the blogger who starts a blog and then finishes it later... like, I'll post little bits of an unfinished post gradually over a week...umm... maybe everybody's blogs are just strings of unfinished posts. The point is my math teacher came in and now I have to go.

One more thought before I... Round Up: the League of Utah Writer's Conference, is this weekend! I for sure will be there...I guess... admittedly it's taken me a while to decide for sure if I want to go; "someone would have to cover for me at work and it's far and I would need a way to get there and a place to stay" ...but everything fell into place at the seemingly last minute, as things tend to do. So I'm going, especially since as of a couple days ago I've become the...well, I won't spoil it for those who are going, and for those who aren't, well, it's probably not official yet.

Doesn't it feel great to be approaching Autumn!

I would buy you a bouqet of sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address... however, this not knowing has it's charms... (name that movie! :) yeah, okay, so it's an easy one.